Monday, December 20, 2010

Its almost time...


I grew up in Bakersfield CA.  I lived there for 18 years.  I left to go to college and never looked back.  I never kept in touch with any of my friends back at “home.”   When I would go home for vacation, I knew people were in town and wanted to hang out, but I never felt like I needed to do that.  Everyone had changed.  I had changed.  Going to college changed my life and God brought amazing people into my life.  Living out my faith became real.  Living for God was a struggle.  I struggled between living my life and living for God.  It became clear to me around junior year that God was calling me to do missions.   When I was attending guy’s group one night, Elliot Chung said something that I’ll never forget.  “The least God expects you to do is change the world.”   How was I going to change the world?  God showed me how I would change the world.  I went on a mission trip in 2008 to Taiwan.  I saw a different side of Taiwan.  It was then that I realized that I would be going back.  Shortly after, God called me to Portland to attend Multnomah Seminary.   Seminary has changed my life and Portland has changed my life.  I left all my friends and didn’t look back.  I haven’t been back to CA in a year and though I talk to some of my friends back in Long Beach it isn’t often.  I came to Portland knowing that in 2 years time I would be leaving again.  There is a small chance that I will stay in Portland but the likelihood is small. Before I left Long Beach, I took myself out of the fellowship and started to create stronger ties with people.  There are 4 people I can name that I know will always be friends to me.  Jodi Poon, Krystie Chin, Ginger Ying, and Rayanne Chung.  I know that I can call on these girls for anything and everything.  We are able to stay friends no matter what. It seems to me that God has given me the gift to pick up and leave. No questions asked, no tears shed, no regrets.  I remember when I was in 6th grade and the year was over.  All my friends were crying because they all knew that this was the last time they would be at this school.  I just sat there.  I sat on the bus and watched as everyone cried.  I don’t think its because I have a heart of stone, but I just knew it was coming.  I’ve been preparing myself to do mission work and change the world since I’ve arrived in Portland.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I would be leaving very soon.  I graduate in May.  And I’m not ready.  I’ve grown to really love it here.  I’ve grown to really connect with people here.  My friend Dan Cegla and I were having a conversation about friendships.  He is still really good friends with people he met in elementary school.  The oldest friend I have is my twin.  That’s it.  I told him that after I leave Portland I’ll probably never see him again and he calls that stupid.  I tell him point blank, “I’m just being realistic Dan, God is calling me to mission work overseas. I’ll probably see you once or twice.”  He thought about it for a while and said that on some level he can see the benefit of being able to move quite easily.  He said, “at least you’ll have lots of new friends all the time.”  And I said, “Yea but I don’t have any real old friends.” It’s kind of a give and take.   I think I’ve made some real friends here.  Recently God took something from me.  It was painful.  It still is painful, but I’ve come to the realization that He did that to remind me that I’m leaving soon.  Whether I end up in the UK or Taiwan I’ll be leaving.   I can’t be growing attached here and making plans with people here.   I got caught up in living for myself and I forgot.  I forgot what it means to follow Christ.  Laying down my life to live for God.   I think for the first time I’m not looking forward to this.   I know its coming, so its time to start preparing for this.   All the joys and happiness is worth it.  All the sadness and pain is worth it.   His kingdom is worth it.  

I’m with you, my daughter…don’t be discourage don’t lose heart.  The battle is mine, I have come before you.  Follow me.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Romans 5:3-5



3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

For the Love of God

Larry Beckett, a youthful evangelical minister once said, "I think most people are selfish, and when they're looking at relationships romantically, they're primarily looking at it for themselves only.  And the Scriptures are diametrically opposed to that.  They would say, and I would teach, that there is a love that we can have for other people that is generally selfless.  I am super selfish.  No joke.  It's all about what I want and what I need.  This has to happen on my time and you should do this because I think its best. me me me and more me please.  How gross...? How do I fix this??
  We have to learn it.  It's actually a matter of the will.  I have to decided to go out and love people by action and by will for their own good.  Not because I enjoy it all the time, but because God commands it."   Jesus says, Love your enemies. That's one of His famous sayings.  When he said that, He wasn't commanding my emotions or affections, because He can't. But He can command my will and my decision process and my actions, if I allow Him to.  Love thus becomes a matter of will and action rather than of feelings.  While one cannot coerce one's feelings one can learn to obey God's commands and to love others in a selfless way.   Through training and shaping the will, I can come to want to do what I must do.  People can see their lives as a process of changing, in which they become "less selfish" as they accept "Christ as the standard" and "His ethics as their ethics. and they do that out of a desire to, not out of any compulsion.  Their love for God becomes then the motivational source for loving other people.   In Christian love, free choice and duty can be combined, but it is obligation that comes first.  Love is not simply a matter of feeling.  It is also not expressed primarily in internal, emotional form, but in action.  The Bible says if you love in just lip service and not in action then you're a hypocrite.  Love means putting other's interests ahead of one's own.  The most important examples of love come when conflicts of interest are the most intense. When conflicts arise my first thoughts are about what I want or need.  Its about me.  But I then think about all the conflicts of interest that God must have faced when dealing with his fallen sinful people.  And what did He do, He sent His only son so that we could have eternal life.   Love is when another's needs are greater than your own. It is rather, a willingness to sacrifice oneself for others.   I think about my own life and if I have ever sacrificed myself for someone I love or better yet someone I don't even like?   I haven't even sacrificed myself a little.   I say that I want to follow Christ but  I realize more that I am more willing to serve him than to follow him because that seems less painful.  At least when I serve God I get some kind of good feeling out of it...again..its about me.     You know that famous verse John 3:16.  Its a great verse but you know an even better verse 1 John 3:16-18.  It says, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.  If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?  Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." Love is a choice and I want to make the choice to love regardless of the circumstance.  regardless of the circumstance....God is love.  Amen? Amen...:)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

All I need...


I’ve gone through different stages of trials in my life.  I’ve gone through darkness and struggle in my life.  By the grace of God I survived.  I have always thought I was so strong.  That thinking got to my head and I thought I could finally conquer everything.  That’s how I became such a control freak.  If I control things than I can keep things from spiraling out of control.  Within these past couple of weeks I’ve watched things happen out of my control.  It threw me for a loop.  I didn’t know what was happening.  I tried analyzing everything looking for answers. I tried to keep in control of the situation by pushing my agenda and thoughts on other people.  It’s been extremely hard for me to be patient and wait and hope on the Lord.  What does that even mean?  Do I even know what that means?  No.  A good friend once said to me instead of focusing on what I can do or what went wrong or negative things, I should focus on how I can be growing as an individual during this time.  How I can become a better person in Christ for those around me?  I believe things like this happen because God ordains them.  It took me a while to get to this conclusion but I have come to it.  I am not good at waiting on the Lord.  I like to move on quickly and call it a day.  I am not patient.  I am a control freak.  I am not perfect. I am human.  I fault people for being human and in the past I have lost friendship because I don’t realize that they are human.  A friend once said, “ Some marriages end in divorce because people can’t accept that they married a human being.”   I need to be gracious to other people who are not perfect either.  I want to be gracious to others who are growing themselves and trying to figure things out.  I know that God is faithful and I know God is good.  It has been up and down. One minute I trust God the next I don’t.  Another good friend also once said, “Trusting in God doesn’t mean that everything will always be happy and good but that that regardless of what happens I have peace that God knows what is best for me 2 days or 10 years from now even if it is painful.  This has been a struggle and I think I can honestly say through everything I have been through this has been the hardest.  
However, this morning after wasting time and being distracted I sat down and started to play Shawn Mcdonald’s All I need.  And then it hit me.  I don’t need to control everything, I don’t need to be perfect.  All I need is His love.  To get me by….by…by..  I was listening and I felt content.  I felt happy.  I couldn’t help but laugh in worship.  I was smiling so much because even though I don’t know what is going on.  God does.  When I say I lay down my life and put it before him it can’t be lip service.  I have to give him everything.  All I need is his love.  Everything I have is His.  That’s All I need. Just be happy…its all good. Just keep waiting... God’s got it.  Who better? 

Matthew 6:33

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

some things are worth waiting for....

I suck at waiting and being still.  I also suck at waiting when I don't know what the outcome will be. Now I realize how selfish this.  I also realize that this only pertains to me if I am waiting but I don't mind making other people wait.   I have this "center of the universe" complex sometimes.  Trust me I am working on it.  Right now I am waiting...waiting on God, waiting on my professors, waiting on emails, just waiting.  I have lots of work I am doing this week. It seems like everything and I mean everything is due this week.  It has been taxing on me and I am still working at my other job.  I haven't been eating much and I haven't been sleeping much.  And yet I am still waiting.  I don't know what to expect when it all comes to close and I pray that it comes to a good close.  I am learning that patience is something that takes great energy.   I am used to taking things into my own hands and just getting it done the way I think it should be done.  If its not worth it to me, I'll move on.  I'll write it off and move on... But this time its different.  This time it is clear that I have to wait.  This time its something worth waiting for.   I have been praying for God's guidance in this situation and so he leads me to wait.  I am hopeful and I am taking the time to get all my stuff done.  While waiting I reflect a bit more about the person I am and how I can be a better person for what I am waiting on.   So...I wait...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Part Deux

I thought it would be sort of fitting to talk about my twin in part two.  My twin sister Pauline Lee looks like me and acts like me but isn't me.  I have heard for my whole life, "What is it like to be a twin?"  I never know how to answer that questions.  I don't know what its like not to be a twin so how do I answer that question?  Its fun I guess...normal.   I moved away for college and my twin stayed home.  I didn't miss her much until I went home to visit.  It was nice to be with her again.  My twin and I truly have a bond that I don't really see anywhere else.   I think she may have wanted to get away from home more than anyone in the family since everyone left and she was left with my parents.  She then decided to go to Long Beach to get away from my parents and join me.  But then I went to Portland.  Leaving everything behind to come to Portland wasn't hard.  It was easy and smooth.  I didn't feel sad and I felt like I was exactly where I should be.  It's always been easy for me to move on ...
Anyways my twin is visiting this week. Its fun to have her here.  I think we have become closer than ever before.  Here is a picture of us in Hawaii.  We don't have the same personality and we are studying to become different things.  She works with children with Autism.  I want to do mission work overseas dealing with Social Injustices.  She's homey.  I like going places and doing stuff.  I love designer brands..shes not too into it.  We are both Mac users (thanks to me) She has better eye sight than me.  We both have a strong faith in God and love Jesus. Shes my twin.  I love my twin..:)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Year one part eins.

It's been a little over a year since I've moved to Portland.  I have changed more in this season of my life than any other.  I have more hopes and dreams for the world than I had a year ago living in my Southern California bubble.    Southern California is the idea that everything is sunny and splendid.  Its a great place to live and build relationships but thats just it, its a great idea.  The weather never changes and somehow I think that Sol Cal shaped me but towards the end I felt like I was no longer growing.  Portland has challenged me in my faith, friendships, family, and love.  It might also have to do with Multnomah Seminary.  Seminary destroyed me.  In a good way. (I'll unpack that later)   Coming to seminary probably was the biggest and best decision that God has placed before me.   Don't get my wrong I love California, I miss California and I probably will go back, but it seems like a completely different world.  This blog will share with you my thoughts on love, friendship, relationships, friends, God, struggle, pain, food, travel, and life.  It never ends and I hope that you will share with me your story.  Blogging scares me, it seems so pretentious but I've realized that this blog is probably more for my benefit than yours.



Listening to....True Love-Phil Wickham
 Come close and listen to a story about a love more faithful than the morning. -
I love phil wickham.