Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I love my life!

I LOVE MY LIFE.  I hope you don't think that I'm rubbing it in your face but lately I have been filled with so much joy in my life that I can barely stand it.  Now you have to understand a few things about me.  Some that you won't like and some where you might feel sorry for me.

I grew up in Bakersfield, CA and my mom stayed at home to take of the kids while my dad worked.  My dad is a doctor.  Yes he made lots of money and yes we never really worried so much about money.  Although I will argue that my dad worried about money often and constantly taught us to save our money.  One of his favorite phrases, "A penny is money too."   My parents never showed off their wealth and to be honest, up until I left for college I thought that we always had money problems.  The way my parents argued and the way they constantly told us we didn't have money, we couldn't afford that new toy and don't waste anything.
I actually remember this one time when I was probably six or seven years old and my dad sat us all down to talk about our monthly allowance.  He went through math equations, graphs, and statistics to show us how much tax we had to pay on our monthly allowance.  My sister and I ended up getting about $2.50 a month after taxes.  I remember staring at my dad, extremely confused and afraid of math.

I always went to church and my parents were pretty good about getting us to youth groups and bible studies.  While we didn't have much of a life outside of constant studying, tutors, and music classes we did have a church life.
My parents believed in discipline.  But the kind where you take a stick and beat the kid for bringing home a report card with a B on it.   So to say the least, I was always afraid of my parents.  We were always hit at home and even my older siblings would compare punishment with my twin and me.   Apparently they got the worse type of spanking/beating/hitting/whipping whatever you want to call it but I never believed them because how much worse could it be?  I'm not angry at my parents for this.  As a child I was sad and had an unhealthy comprehension of love but now that I am older I know that my parents only did what their parents did.  How many people are ready to be parents when the time comes?  No one can know for sure the best way to raise a kid and I can't fault my parents for their mistakes.  

With that being said I always believed in God.  God was safe and loving.  He was never angry at me for my bad grades and loved me even was I did something bad, as long as I confessed it to him.    God was very real to me and his love was very real to me.  But I still didn't understand love.  I know God's love.  But human love was corrupt in a way.  When I arrived at college, love was even more corrupt.  I did things I am not proud of...things have happened to me that should never happen to anyone.  And I made decisions that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  I would never ever wish them on anyone.  I chose the crappy way, the bad way, the coward's way out.  These things ruined my life for a good part of four years.  I went to counseling to work it out and I became closer to people who helped me through it by displaying God's love.  It was a terrible dark hole so believe me when I say I know what its like to be on the other side.  Joy didn't exist.  Love was corrupted.  And my values, ideals, and morals were even more tainted. I think my biggest down fall and stumbling block was my incorrect view of love.  I completely destroyed the true definition of love and replaced it with something superficial and terrible.

The reason why I can say I love my life now is because the "love" that caused so many problems for me in the past (because it wasn't biblical love), now only creates joy and life (because its biblical).  Since I started living in Taiwan and serving God I understand more and more what Jesus was talking about when he asked Peter if he loved Jesus.   I understand more what John 3:16 is about.  For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son.   It hasn't always been easy but walking around, sharing the gospel, and loving God's people brings me so much joy.   I don't even get paid to do it and it brings me more joy than any job I've ever had.  And I have had some amazing jobs.  Working for International Justice Mission is pretty high on the list.   Knowing that I get to wake up every morning to pray and sing songs of worship to God as I prepare to do His work brings a smile to my face.  There isn't a day that's gone by where I don't think to myself, "Man, I love my life."  I also don't want you to think that all I do is walk around and talk to people.  I do teach to make an income. I am a tent maker if you will.  My first job is to spread the gospel, to be in mission but a girls gotta eat.

It's the best life ever, when we walk the path that God has prepared for us.  Nothing but love. God's love.